I haven’t always thought about food and training the way I do today. Maybe that’s why it is so damn important to me now, and maybe that’s why I get so angry and frustrated when someone who doesn’t know shit about me tells me how I should live, eat and train, why I can’t “have a cookie and relaxe”, or “be like a normal person for once, take a piece of the cake.” I know they don’t know better and they are jealous because I DON’T EVEN WHANT IT, and they can’t resist it because they`re sugar addicts. But sometimes (pretty often), all I want to say to them is: “Please, do me a favor and go f*ck yourself! Don’t f*cking tell me what to do.” They do not know where I have been. And I have been to hell and back.
I have always been pretty insecure. I was a trouble maker and I did a lot of stupid things and a lot of bad things happened to me. (But it made me who I am today and Im glad for that, made me more humble and empathetic. And for the record, I believe in karma!) There was a time when eI couldn’t really figure out how to manage it all. The things I couldn’t control were too overwhelming for me. So I started to control the thing that someone once stole from me, the control over my own body. First, I started to eat nothing and spend time at the gym for hours. I realized after a while that this wouldn’t work, so I figured out that I could actually eat and then throw up! Awesome! F*cking genius! I got to eat, but still get skinny. Amazing! At the same time I trained like hell, I ran every morning, I went to dance classes, I punched the punching bag and went out running again in the evening . Getting weaker and weaker. I didn’t throw up every day. On the days I didn’t throw up I ate tiny, tiny amounts of food. If I was starving and had too much oatmeal (for example) I had to throw it up, even though it’s healthy food. I had bulimia.
I had bulimia for almost two years. My family and my friends saw it all. They saw me fall, but there was almost nothing they could do. I couldn’t see myself and my body the way they did. I didn’t see that I was literally skin and bones. But I loved the way I could feel my collarbones and my hipbones, and I wanted them to be even more visible, I loved it when people told me I was “too skinny”, that just gave me more encouragement to continue. I wanted to be skinny as hell. I was in control on my own body. Nobody could tell me what or how much I should eat.
My body was weak and my bodily functions started to get out of order. So, family and friends forced me to go to the hospital, they took an EKG and said that my heart was weak. I had to start eating and taking care of my body or I would collapse, or even worse, I could die. That was my wake-up call. And a long way of struggling and trying to accept my body began. I had loads and loads of relapses. Fall seven times and stand up eight.
Then I met crossfit and I met my salvation. For real. For the first time in my life I felt I was training because I had a goal, because I wanted to be stronger, faster, better. Not because I wanted to lose weight or felt that I had to train compulsive. I wanted to take control over the barbell, over my body in. I started to eat food that was good for me, good nutrition. I ate because I wanted to have energy so I could do crossfit, so I could get stronger. Strong like the other cool chicks from my mothership, CrossFit Gothenburg. I haven’t had a single relapse for almost three months now. To you, it might not sound much, but to me it’s huge! It’s so damn easy to slip back into bad habits if a get into trouble and have a rough time. But with the right weapon (the barbell), and with the right people around me, I can manage it all pretty well! I’m proud of myself! I’ve been struggling, and I’ve met people along the way who have been trying to put me down. These circumstances have made it more difficult for me not to relapse. I believe that those who have to put others down are very insecure on the inside and therefore have to assert themselves by being mean and even use violence just to make themselves believe they are strong. Weird. Fortunately, I now have good people surrounding me, filling me with good energy! For the very first time in my life, I think I’m starting to like my body. I like the way it is getting stronger day by day. I like the way it moves in a WOD. The way it lifts heavy things. The way I can control it, and in a good way this time. Thank you crossfit. Thank you body. I’m truly grateful.
“That moment when you stop counting minus on the scale, and start counting plus on your barbell= totally awesomeness!”